Q:Noura, Im 48 and may very well love my cat more than any individual human in my life now (and potentially ever). I am a heterosexual male. on the amp scale of 1 -11, how weird/odd/sad/creepy am I? You seem a person of sage advice and muse-like qualities, so i will take your word for gospel. Sincerely, Brucebradford
You like cats more than people? You just described everyone on Tumblr.
Q:Hey, here's my dilemma. I have some "friends" that I don't talk to very often but I only hear from them when they need a favour. Then they text all "Can you do this for me?" no hello, no how you doin'? no how is life? am I being to sensitive by wanting them to go to hell if this is what our interactions are reduced to? Is it OK for me to act like a bitch and not answer these text messages? Or should I just say, Hell NO! straight away? Also, how can I make new friends?
I’d say just ignore them. They’re assholes and don’t even deserve the energy required to explain to them why you’re ignoring them and chances are they’d figure it out really quickly.
You’re not a bitch for demanding to be treated with respect.
I can’t tell you how to make new friends but you can start by ditching aforementioned assholes. And show up somewhere with cupcakes
Q:My girlfriend of six years just broke up with me. She moved also. She tore a hole so deep in my heart if you look in it you can see small angels weeping. I can't get her out of my mind. What should I do?
Sleep with her best friend (no no no no no no no)
Look, breaking up sucks. And the longer you’re with someone the harder it is. But you have to accept that it happened and move on. Don’t ask why, or what could I have done because you’re only going to make yourself feel worse.
Now pick yourself up dammit, dust yourself off, and head to a strip club (except don’t head to a strip club. Or you know what, fuck it. Go to one if you want.)
Thanks to all you lovely new people I get to share my blog with :)
-also fyi: I only answer advice questions in the evening. And PLEASE note (as I’ve had to say this a few times) I CANNOT give you medical advice. And keep in mind this is Tumblr, so if you have serious problems my remedies of Mexican food and bounce-house rentals can’t help you. That is all…
Q:I'm tired and I have to be awake in less than six hours. What should I do?
My grandma always said a good old fashion coke and hooker party does the trick
Q:Why wont the government recognize the very special relationship I have with my pizza?
The government just doesn’t want your pizza sharing your health care benefits, I still get to be a bridesmaid though right?
Q:What do you hope to gain by providing advice to others, Ms. Therapist
This is just phase 4 of my world domination plan. Phase 5 involves a pyramid scheme, and I haven’t worked out phase 6 yet but it involves Mexican food somehow
Q:So I'm pregnant. What should I do? -anon-
A pregnant guy? You should TOTALLY start your own religion and make some bank
I give this whole advice thing a few more days before you realize I have no business doing this and riot
Q:Is it more important to be an honorable person or be ridiculously, ridiculously, ridiculously good looking?
Q:My friend told me today that I use them to complain about my life and how I can't accomplish anything but that I'm too lazy to get off the computer to do anything about it. I just feel that I have no friends where I live and this website is the only place where I find people like me. I just feel like 2 years ago (when I started university) that I was taking the world by storm and pushing myself socially. Now I left college to be back home because I was miserable my second year. What should I do?
You’re friend sounds like a total douche. And you probably felt really awesome when you started university because the start of something new like that is always exciting. You’re young, hopeful, no one you know from high school is there to cock-block by telling embarrassing stories about your past.
But then after a year of living off of top ramen all you can think about is “Why the eff am I paying $200 for a textbook I’m only going to crack open before exams,” and how much you wanna punch that overly cheerful sorority bitch down the hall who only suggests you guys should hang out sometime when her curling iron breaks down and she asks to borrow yours.
Don’t let anyone tell you you’re too this or that to do anything about your life. But you DO need to give yourself a space to envision how you’d like your life to be different so you can work towards that, on your own terms.
Q:I have a dilemma also... I spend too much time on your blog. Can you turn the koala tea down a bit. I need to be productive with my life. Please and thank you. :) Haha.
You don’t want to be productive…you want to get yourself a sweet-ass work-from-home-online job so you can stay in your pajamas, eat frozen waffles right out of the box because you’re lazy and impatient, and await my posts…
…also I just had to google koala tea
Q:Hey I have a dilemma and I am seeking an outside perspective and I feel you would be able to help. I'm currently getting my GED ( Long story short, I didn't care about anything my first time in school and I failed). Now that I have found my passion I am going back to school to pursue a career along the lines of cosmology, astrophysics, or just physics in general. People keep telling me to be realistic, and that I need to do something I can make a career out of. What is your opinion?
DON’T LISTEN TO A DAMN WORD ANYONE SAYS AGAINST THOSE SCIENCES!
I mean it’s science damn it. It’s a sad fucking world we live in when you’d get more support from people if you told them you wanted to audition for American Idol.
Basically my feelings for those people can be summed up in one picture:
Q:I'm seventeen and I am a senior in high school. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm fairly academic but my talents are spread pretty evenly, like I'm not super passionate about one thing. I'm so anxious because I'm supposed to be applying to colleges and I don't know what I want in a school or majors or anything. How do you suggest finding some clarity and guidance in finding the right path for my college and career?
Of course you have no idea what the eff you want to do with your life BECAUSE YOU’RE SEVENTEEN! Jeez I don’t want to even tell you how many times I changed my major, that’s why they give you that option.
Look on the bright side, at least you’re not one of those people who have one academic dream all their lives only to have it shatter to a million pieces when they get they don’t get into the school they want, the major they want, or their grades back after the first semester. I knew a girl who went totally apeshit for having to go to her second choice school.
Go the undeclared route and take your general courses. Maybe explore a variety of courses until you get inspired. Just trust me on this one. People freak out too much about school.
Q:My life is a total wreck. I'm not going back to my school and staying home to go to CC to get an AA to try and go to state school a year later. I want to be an engineer but there are days where I feel like I cant do anything right and that I won't be able to accomplish my goal. All I do is complain about my life and idk how to get myself out of the grave I dug myself.
If THAT’S the only thing you’re worried about, then your life isn’t a total wreck dude.
Total wreck is giving up and sitting in your parents’ basement not showering weeks at a time, high off your balls and wondering if the leftover nachos you found behind the couch are still good, watching Bowflex ads all day because your friends are too busy working to be on Xbox Live with you.
Hang in there. Keep working towards your goals and don’t freak out every time there’s a bump in the road damnit. You totally got this.